I worked on this site for the first time in a couple of months yesterday. It was liberating, so much so that I thought it worth reflecting on why.

At work, I am the Captain of the Ship. The ship goes where I say, because the crew does what I need them to do. We work together to succeed. But the ship is large and slow. The crew is fast, but the ship is so massive it takes weeks to know if we’re going in the right direction. Worse, there’s a bunch of people back on shore, far-removed from reality, who are indecisive about where it should go, when, and carrying what cargo.

Here, I am the pilot of my own fighter jet. I can fly anywhere because I am beholden to no one. I can do things quickly. I am the only one who will do things, but I also have nobody imposing their will upon me either. I can do anything I want. The plane reacts immediately to my input, iterations quickly resulting in immediate feedback that is intoxicating.

In both cases, I am in charge. But here is more satisfying because it is faster gratification. More importantly, here I have total agency. At work, I have less agency, if only because there are so many moving parts and other people.

I would not want to go back to being an IC; I think I’d have even less agency than I do now. But maybe whatever my next step should be should find a way to maximize my sense of agency. Something to think about while considering what free lottery tickets are worth.